the woods are just trees

 

the woods are just trees,

the trees are just wood

                                                                         ~Stephen Sondheim~

Not too long ago I had another- my last- CT scan to monitor the possible recurrence of the tumor I had a few years ago. Thankfully, the scan has remained unchanged from the previous one. I mistakenly thought that would mean that I am now pretty much out of the woods... but sadly, I guess that was just magical thinking on my part. There will be no getting out of these woods. What that does mean though is that I will not have any more scans in the future...not because it wouldn’t be a good idea but because I have had too much radiation for further exposure. Each CT scan is equal to 100 chest x-rays and I have had seven of them! I will need to continue to follow up with the oncologist every six months and I will have blood work done for those appointments. Unfortunately anything that would show up in my blood work will mean that not only has there been a recurrence of a primary tumor but it will also have metastasized as well. I asked my oncologist more direct questions this time. She specializes in rare cancers like mine and said what I guess I already knew, that because it’s a rare cancer there just isn’t enough research yet to know but that the recurrence is probably more likely a matter of “when” than “if.” Needless to say this was all pretty hard for me to hear. But. The good news is that, at least at this writing, I am feeling well and very much enjoying this world. It’s a big- and very real- lesson and opportunity in living every day. So far, so good.

 Into the woods--you have to grope,
But that's the way you learn to cope.
Into the woods to find there's hope
Of getting through the journey.

                                                                                                                ~Stephen Sondheim~

 This is the best description of what happened to me in Malta.

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.”
― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

 

It's been awhile...

Ok...well... it’s been awhile (uh, yeah) and... a lot has happened. I’ve kept waiting and waiting, for the perfect time...or the the perfect inspiration... and, well, damn, that perfection has sure been illusive. So, today, now, twenty-one months later I am just going to start, moving forward... and perhaps over time fill in a few of the blanks.

It’s good to be back.

Pilgrims on a Bus- The Journey Begins

Marsaxlook

Last night I officially transitioned from tourist to pilgrim (except ok really maybe I’m still a little bit tourist, but mostly pilgrim). I don’t know what happened to my cynicism, maybe it was two days in the sun on an island of miracles, but it seems to have left me. One thing I know though, awe displaces many a negative thing in me. And today has been awesome, in the truest sense of the word.

This Women’s Pilgrimage to Malta is offered through the quite appropriately named Edge of Wonder Tours. Sacred travel on a bus...who knew?

The morning started out with a circle of sharing about ourselves and what brought us here. There are thirty-two women on this trip and surprisingly (to me) I found that as each one shared their story, as different and unique as they were, they felt familiar. Travelers, seekers, searchers every one. One of the leaders of this trip said, “we are a small village.” We are a small traveling village, a tribe on a tour bus.

So much of my job is about listening to the stories and the stories beneath the stories of others. I love my job and in many ways it is the most profoundly satisfying thing I’ve ever experienced...but there is a piece of how my job works that always keeps a part of me separate from those I am attending to. That’s good, and right, and the way it should be.

Here though, I am beginning to feel the possibility of weaving my own story with the stories of others, of uncovering a part of myself that has been long concealed, even from me. Nobody knows who I am here so I get to be anybody, maybe even more myself.

One thing I have discovered: Even though I feel a bit like one of the women from the movie Strangers in Good Company, I really LIKE my big sun hat. I would never have guessed that, but I really like it..and what’s more...I wish I had a sun dress to go with it. It is REALLY HOT here. High in the 90’s with what has to be 90 some percent humidity. Even the tops of my feet are sweating!

I packed wool socks! I didn’t want to be cold- ha! As it turns out, as is often the case, my friend Laura was absolutely right when she told me all I needed to bring was two travel shirts, two travel pants, and one something nice to wear. Ah well, I am learning a lot about travel on this trip... and it’s all been an adventure so far.

Yesterday I had a public transportation adventure. I took the public bus into the capital city of Valletta. It was rather easy as all buses go to Valletta. If you need to go somewhere else, you go to Valletta first and transfer to another bus to get there. It was getting back to the hotel that was the adventure. I got off on the wrong stop...a way wrong stop. The problem for me was finding the right bay. There are so many and they all started looking the same to me (a little bit like the churches too!) Luckily, I just walked for a bit and got on another bus. I’ve never been so glad to see a church in my whole life as “my” church, the church across from my hotel. Happily, I did recognize it and got off at the right stop.

While in Valletta I walked around the city and saw many beautiful cool things. The most spectacular was St. John’s Cathedral. I’ve never seen anything like it. Incredibly ornate, with so much symbolism in every square inch. (If you want to read more about it, check out www.stjohnscocathedral.com) 

Saint John's Cathedral

Today, after our time at the hotel, we headed off to the prehistoric cave Ghar Dhalam.  They believe the cave was inhabited by humans 7000 years ago from 5200-4000 BC. And, in the excavations they have found the bones of dwarf hippos and elephants that are 180,000 years old!!!  I got to touch some of the bones; that was cool.

Ghar Dhalam

I’d always had this fantasy of living in a cave, Clan of the Cave Bear and all but now, having actually been in this one, I think I can give that up. It was very neat and also very cool (literally) but it was also humid and drippy and dark. It’s name- Ghar Dalam means Cave of Darkness. We did get to sing a chant in there and the sound was sweetly soft and echoey.

Our second stop was Borg In-Nadur, our first temple site. It is one of the lesser known sites. It was very, very hot here so we didn’t stay long but what I liked best is that we spent this time in total silence.

Borg In-Nadur

Our final stop of the day was in the ancient fishing village of Marsaxlokk (marsa-shlock). The harbor is so beautiful...and colorful...filled with traditional Maltese fishing boats called luzzu (loots-zoo).  They have the Eye of Osiris painted on the bows to ward off the evil spirits and bring good luck.

Eye of Osiris

 

Marsaxlook Harbor (look for the eyes)

It’s been a splendid day so far, this first day. In a couple of hours we are going to meet for an evening session with a slide presentation by Joan Marler, an archeomythologist and the other co-leader of this trip.

Tomorrow we are headed to Valletta to the National Archaeological Museum and to see a multimedia presentation on Malta history called the “Malta Experience.”

Sahha* for now.

(*Goodbye and Good Health)

Getting Acquainted

Hello Mediterranean. Glad to finally meet you.

This was my first peek at the Mediterranean. It’s just as blue as I have always imagined it.

This entry is going to be short sentenced as it is after midnight here and I want to show you some photos but I also want to try to stay with, what has so far been, my easy adjustment to this time zone. Ok, with the exception of falling asleep at the waterside cafe I had dinner in last night. :0

 

I woke up early, had breakfast, and got myself on a hop on/ hop off bus headed North. The bus was very fun. All the travelers speaking different languages of wonder.

Fellow Travelers

Mdina- The Walled City

I had read about the walled city of Mdina and wanted to see it. It was the first capital of Malta and was built on a high place in the interior of the island... so as to be protected from pirates and such. It is really cool. Tall walls, narrow winding streets, old, old. Mdina’s streets are kind of like a maze. They said that was so its original residents could evade pirates. (There was a lot of talk of pirates.)  The tall walls also shade the streets; they were amazingly cool considering how HOT it was today.

Mdina's tall walls and narrow streets

St. Paul's Cathedral

There are so many beautiful churches here. Most of them, like St. Paul’s Cathedral in Mdina, have two clocks on the front. If you look closely you can see them under the bell towers. The tradition is that one of the clocks is set to the right time and one is set to a wrong time. It’s supposed to trick the devil so he won’t know when people are at mass. Imagine.

My hotel on the waterfront. (It’s the big building to the left.)

There is quite the learning curve on all this blog design stuff.  It's now 2:30am! I am the lone last soul sitting here in the hotel lobby... the hotel that you can see in the above photo. Time for BED for this pilgrim.       Il-Lejla it-tajba!  (That's "goodnight" in Maltese.)

The Arrival

This is me flying across the Atlantic. (I'm in the middle seat just behind the wing, 41J)

I got to the San Francisco Airport on time...well, actually before time...even before time for me who likes to be early for things. I had plenty of time to walk around and look at things...which luckily I like to do. After getting a good look at everything- twice- I made my way to the gate. I saw my plane outside the window and was a little disappointed to see how small it looked. In hindsight I see that it only looked small compared to the plane that was next to it...that one was huge. It was going to Shanghai. I was going to London. As it turned out, my plane was quite large inside. Eight seats across. I was supposed to have gotten a window seat...but...somehow it turned out that my ticket had me in a middle seat. I noticed myself starting to get disappointed <understated> but then something happened I can’t explain and I just snapped out of it and said to myself, “this is all part of the pilgrimage- be flexible.” It worked! (It also helped to have two really nice gentlemen at the window and aisle.)

Ten hours is a long flight no matter what but movies really helped. First up Ie watched ‘The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel.’  That really got me in the mood for travel to unknown lands. As a fun coincidence, my vegetarian meal that the travel agent convinced me to order was Indian Curry; good call.

Heathrow is a BIG airport. I learned a lot about international travel there. Thankfully I had plenty of time to stand in the wrong line- twice- before making my way through customs properly and finding the train that would take me to a different terminal. All turned out well and I made it onboard for the “short” (it’s all perspective) three hour flight.

I arrived in Malta right on schedule at 3pm on Sunday. And, I was met at the gate, just as they said I would be, by a nice elderly man holding a sign that read- EOW Tours. EOW stands for Edge of Wonder...and it’s an apt name... well, I guess I don’t know that for sure for the tour itself as that won’t start until tomorrow evening...but it certainly fits for the whole of Malta I have experienced so far.

Malta - The Backstory

It’s been on my bucket list for what seems like forever to travel somewhere off the continent of North America. Believe it or not, I never have. I’ve traveled through nearly every state in the United States (all but North Dakota and Indiana) and much of Canada and a bit of Mexico... but never further. I’m on my third passport, and none of them have ever been stamped! (I traveled in Mexico and Canada back in the day when all that you needed was a driver’s license.) I’d always thought that someday one day I’d travel the distance but it’s amazing just how illusive that someday one day can be.

In the last couple of years I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea of a bucket list. I’d create imaginary timelines in my head and wonder, what would make it on the list if I were only going to live another year? Another five years? Another ten? It seems like it should have been easier than it’s been for me. It seems like a person “should” have dozens (if not hundreds) of things on that list but I don’t. I have barely a handful and even those seem slippery, alternately sliding on and off the list. I’m making peace with that. My bucket list - My rules. It’s organic, my living and breathing bucket list and here are some of the things currently on it:  

• I’d like to swim a mile in one direction 
• I’d like to see Niagara Falls 
• I’d like to spend a night in the Ice Hotel 
• I’d like to ride in my friend Bob’s Aircam (it’s “a twin-engine experimental home built aircraft that can fly 10 feet above the tree tops.” www.aircam.com) 
• I’d like to write a book 
• I’d like to have my own gallery show of photographs (stay tuned...that’s coming up in February in Sacramento!)
• And perhaps most of all, I’d like to travel off the continent.

That’s where Malta comes in. Malta definitely fulfills the off the continent requirement, but along with that it’s in a part of the world I’ve always wanted to visit- the Mediterranean. Malta, officially the Republic of Malta, is a small group of islands (Malta, Gozo, Comino) about fifty miles south of Sicily.

Back in March, when I was going through a particularly rough time, I serendipitously came across an advertisement for the “Women’s Pilgrimage to Malta Fall Equinox 2012” and thought, why the heck not?  Back then, looking ahead at all the medical tests and procedures of PET scans and biopsies and MRI, it seemed like one darn great good carrot... and it has been.  In five days I board a plane and head off to another world. 

Here is part of the brochure’s trip description-

“Experience the sacred healing presence of the world’s oldest temples through chant, song, dance, ritual and archaeological study. The peaceful, artistic and matrifocal people of ancient Malta left us their temples and symbolic language. And still today these sacred places transmit unique qualities of healing, regeneration and the wisdom of the natural world. The trip will include visits to archaeological sites and museums, song circles and workshops, lectures, special presentations by Maltese scholars and artists, dancing, swimming in the Mediterranean sea, singing in the Hypogeum, and a moonlight ritual at the ancient Ggantija (female giant) temples. The pilgrimage will culminate in a private Autumn Equinox celebration at the beautiful seaside temple of Mnajdra. The Maltese temple builders had advanced astronomical understanding. The temple of Mnajdra is aligned so that on the morning of the Autumn Equinox when the run rises, the sun’s rays enter the temple through a passageway and light the back altar. We will have the extraordinary opportunity to witness and participate in this ancient ritual of renewal.”

I am most looking forward to that “healing presence” and renewal and experiencing the beauty of part of the natural world I have never seen.

More to follow.....