the woods are just trees

 

the woods are just trees,

the trees are just wood

                                                                         ~Stephen Sondheim~

Not too long ago I had another- my last- CT scan to monitor the possible recurrence of the tumor I had a few years ago. Thankfully, the scan has remained unchanged from the previous one. I mistakenly thought that would mean that I am now pretty much out of the woods... but sadly, I guess that was just magical thinking on my part. There will be no getting out of these woods. What that does mean though is that I will not have any more scans in the future...not because it wouldn’t be a good idea but because I have had too much radiation for further exposure. Each CT scan is equal to 100 chest x-rays and I have had seven of them! I will need to continue to follow up with the oncologist every six months and I will have blood work done for those appointments. Unfortunately anything that would show up in my blood work will mean that not only has there been a recurrence of a primary tumor but it will also have metastasized as well. I asked my oncologist more direct questions this time. She specializes in rare cancers like mine and said what I guess I already knew, that because it’s a rare cancer there just isn’t enough research yet to know but that the recurrence is probably more likely a matter of “when” than “if.” Needless to say this was all pretty hard for me to hear. But. The good news is that, at least at this writing, I am feeling well and very much enjoying this world. It’s a big- and very real- lesson and opportunity in living every day. So far, so good.

 Into the woods--you have to grope,
But that's the way you learn to cope.
Into the woods to find there's hope
Of getting through the journey.

                                                                                                                ~Stephen Sondheim~

 This is the best description of what happened to me in Malta.

“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken.”
― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

 

It's been awhile...

Ok...well... it’s been awhile (uh, yeah) and... a lot has happened. I’ve kept waiting and waiting, for the perfect time...or the the perfect inspiration... and, well, damn, that perfection has sure been illusive. So, today, now, twenty-one months later I am just going to start, moving forward... and perhaps over time fill in a few of the blanks.

It’s good to be back.